119: Sex in the Mormon News #1

Natasha Helfer Parker is going to lead a monthly podcast “bookclub style” with colleagues who also happen to be AASECT Certified Sex Therapists in regards to current articles, news stories, research, etc. that have to do with the Mormon community from a sex-positive perspective.

This month join Natasha, Kristin Hodson and Shannon Hickman as they discuss an article written anonymously by an LDS woman on the Exponent ii website called Virginal Sex. She shares her thoughts about how the lack of sexual education affected her sexuality in the context of her marriage.

 

Natasha Helfer Parker, LCMFT, CST runs an online practice, Symmetry Solutions, which focuses on helping families and individuals with faith concerns, sexuality and mental health. She produces Sex Talk with Natasha, writes at The Mormon Therapist for Patheos: Hosting the Conversation of Faith, runs the Mormon Sex Info Podcast and is the current president for the Mormon Mental Health Association.

1 comment for “119: Sex in the Mormon News #1

  1. Greg
    January 25, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    Im listing to the podcast as I write and I heard mentioned there isn’t much out there from the perspective of the male on the wedding day and night. Well, I do not believe I speak for all men but I do speak for myself.
    Let me begin by saying, I had dreamed of marriage, not sex for reasons you’ll see, since I was about 6 years old. I dreamed of spending eternity with that one person who would be willing to help me as I try to help her gain the presence of God once again.
    As I grew older (teen most likely) sex did enter my mind. I never received ANY sex talks other than basic stumbling sex Ed in St. George Utah.
    Did my fiancée and I come close to not making it to the temple. Hell, yes. My wife is hot, delicious and very desirable. Though, we did make it, and it was a close thing. I was lucky my wife had an extremely good grasp on feeling the spirit and knowing if she’d crossed the “sin line” but she talked me down and helped me see we had done nothing wrong and weren’t sinful. We were still worthy to enter the Temple.
    The day finally came, from that day forward we would share a goal (an eternal goal). My excitement and overwhelming happiness made me literally bounce on the balls of my feet, making my father in law chuckle quietly and annoyed the aging Temple worker.
    Now before I get into it let me tell you while my wife is a wonderful person, she is extremely shy and had strict leaders growing up in Provo.
    The ceremony was finished and we’d end our engagement and begin marriage with a kiss. Being shy, my quickly pecked my lips, shocking not only the crowd but also the sealer. Who quickly said “hey this is a joyful occasion, give her a real kiss”. Now, I was cool with what had happened, knowing how shy my, now wife, was but I didn’t want to disappoint. So I gave her a bigger, wetter, non “church” kiss.
    That done, now it was “the wedding night”. We had a suite and nice big shower. Oh yeah, my wife loves to shower. Anyway, she said I’m going to take a shower to get the heat of the day off me. Trouble with getting married in July. So I was ok no problem, wanting to be the gentlemen I reigned in my desire for a bit longer. Time passed slowly. It was like being stuck in a boring meeting, it just went on forever and I couldn’t wait anymore. So being ever the gentlemen, I knocked on the door and asked if I could join her. She shyly (now know what I know I should’ve expected that) like yeah I could come but your a boy. Boys aren’t supposed to see girls naked but you are my husband so, ok. I entered and we just took eachother in. She is beautiful, then and even more now. I don’t know what she thought but I bet dollars to doughnuts it was along the same line as other “good Mormon girls” give you. I guess everything went ok after that, it all kinda blurred for me. Fun but blurry.
    Things, I thought, continued ok for several years. That is until she caught me flat footed looking at porn. It wasn’t an issue for years but I’d hit a low point and I knew, just knew I wasn’t pleasureing my wife like she needed. That bothered me. She’d say it was good and fun for her but the way she said it was like she sparing my feelings. I hurt her bad, I know now one reason I got into porn, but it’s such a multi-faceted issue. She felt aweful, ugly, and shamed. We talked it out and I went to the Bishop. Good thing He is and was one of those rare people that understand what it is to be Mormon and human.
    Things got better for a bit, then all he’ll broke loose.
    One afternoon I suffered a major and massive stroke in my brain stem. Fast forward through, pain, suffering, tears, sweat, prayer, and unknowing I returned home after 4-1/2 months away. I was close to being back to normal. My wife lovingly took over nurse duty but also was my wife again. I still don’t know how she went from wiping my butt and helping in the bathroom to wanting sex.
    Anyway, I hit another low and depression. I got into porn again. This time my wife wasn’t hurt but understanding we both attacked the issue head on.
    During my “incarceration” in the hospital it seems my wife found her voice and I couldn’t have been happier.
    I told her I just never felt like I pleased her sexual and she frankly replied I hadn’t. Dumbfounded now, she began to tell me that I had NEVER worried about her pleasure and sex wasn’t all that great.
    I pumped my brakes pretty hard, in my head. I was flabbergasted. I had tried to pleasure her, tried to communicate with her but she’d just tell me what I wanted to hear. I didn’t dig deeper.
    Now armed with knowledge, I approached the issue super slow. I imagined I was a young teen again finding out what my body did. Honestly, it was fun. I got her to open up little by little over th course of a few years. Now, almost 5 years later she’s not shy about telling “no, not like that. Do it like this. I like this. Not that”. And I’ve found by focusing on her pleasure mine is elevated and sex (I say sex but don’t mean vaginal) and intimacy is through the roof.
    I love pleasing my wife

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